"What is God telling you?

It took me five seconds before I could answer this question from a very dear friend. I bumped into her after the service yesterday, and knowing what I am going through these days, she was concerned.

So what is God telling me?

Peace. Blessed assurance.

Since day one, that was always what I felt. But I am just careful the way I say things, lest I am misunderstood. I've told my husband the reason why I chose to share only to a few friends is because "Job's friends" are the least that I need these days. (Please read the book of Job.)

I have not been feeling so well these days, probably because of the amount of blood loss after three weeks of profuse bleeding. Yet, I do not doubt God's healing will come.

In my heart, I feel the peace of God. His assurance that everything will be alright.

I have already cried. And I have already asked the "why's" and the "whats." Why am I going through this? Why do I need to? What is it that He wants me to do?

Healing. Fire. Perseverance.

That is what God wants to do in my life -- that I may proclaim His goodness.

Before the service started yesterday, I asked God to talk to me loudly and clearly. And this is His message:

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." - Romans 15:13

AMEN.

It is good for me to be afflicted

I've been mulling on whether or not I should blog about the present "challenges" the Lord has allowed us to go through.

One, I don't want my loved ones - family and friends - to panic. I'm not dying, please let me clarify that. Two, I don't want people to take pity on me, because really, I don't see myself in a pitiful situation. And three, I don't want to hear people telling me to believe in God's faithfulness, because I never doubted it, in the first place.

But I guess my husband is right, I should share our present challenges so more people could cover us with prayers. Likewise, by sharing our daily struggles, we get encouragement and who knows, might be able to encourage others as well. As I always say, God has engraved in my heart that in all things He works for the good of those who love Him, who are called according to His purpose.

And so, let this be the start of a series. Let me begin with the background.

Two weeks ago, I asked my husband to bring me to St. Lukes ER after I bled profusely and experienced abdominal and back cramps. It had been more than a week since my menses started. Prior to that, I missed my period for two months. We had been praying for a baby boy and we were excited, though also apprehensive at the same time, on the possibility that we were pregnant. And so I took a home pregnancy test on the second month. But it turned out negative. After a week, I took another pregnancy test just to be sure. Still negative. I started to be concerned. But I thought, it could just have been the stress of the previous months (which could be a telenovela material, but that's another story).

A few days later, my period started and I was relieved. But my relief turned out short-lived. Not only did I start to bleed profusely on the fourth day, I started to experience throbbing pain like I was in some kind of labor. Maybe because of the profuse bleeding, I started to feel dizzy. By Monday evening, I asked my husband to take me to the ER when blod clots as big as half of my palm started to come out.

At the ER, I was examined and given medications. A series of lab tests were taken. When the bleeding slowed down and the results of the lab tests showed normal values, I was allowed to go home. But my OB, whom the ER called, instructed me to undergo ultrasound in the morning.

I still wasn't feeling well by Tuesday so Dick and I decided to have the ultrasound by Wednesday. The result was not very nice. The doctor saw some cystic growths in my cervix. My uterus also showed a thickening, indicative of endometrial hyperplasia. That explained my profuse bleeding.

With the results, my OB recommended that I immediately undergo biopsy operation to determine the growths. Endometrial hyperplasia, she explained could sometimes be an early indication of cancer. The earlier I had biopsy, the better, she told me.

The OB recommended heteroscopy, a procedure which would be guided by a camera so that all the growths could be removed cleanly. D & C could be another option. But it has greater risk since it is a "blind" procedure. In many cases, cancerous cells are spread during D & C.

Unfortunately, because of the bleeding disorder in our family, the OB asked that I first get a clearance from a hematologist. After all, my Mama died while undergoing a minor operation.

That same day, Dick and I went to see the hematologist the OB referred us to. When I told the hema of our family's bleeding history and that I was diagnosed with von Willebrand Disease two years ago along with my daughter Star, he told me an operation would be risky. He needs to confer with my OB, and with Star's hematologists (here in Manila and in Hongkong). The pros and cons of a biopsy operation has to be weighed over the possibility of uncontrolled bleeding like my mother's case. I have yet to see him again.

As I told some friends I earlier shared this latest challenge with, I am sad with the development. Yet, I have full trust in what God is doing in my life. Like David, I say, it is good for me to be afflicted. Not that I want to go through this. Who would, anyway? But I believe in a faithful God, who will never allow His children to go through what they can not bear. He has promised never to leave us nor forsake us. He is a God who cannot lie and I have seen His faithfulness too many times to still doubt His goodness.

I have always kept Jeremiah 29:11 as my life verse. I believe He has plans for me, for all His children, plans to prosper us and not to harm us, plans to give us hope and a future.

While He allows us to go through challenges in life, I see them as opportunities for “promotion” – that when we pass the test, He brings us to a higher level in our individual relationship with Him. And I believe this new test is part of that plan to “promote” me again.

Tomorrow I will share about the latest developments. But for now, I hope you will journey with us in this and pray for me and my family for strength as we go through this.

Reflections of a biker

And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us. - Hebrews 12.1

Life is so much like biking. Sometimes you pedal with a breeze. Sometimes you struggle a little. When the road is uphill, you need to exert more, sometimes to the point of exhaustion. Yet sometimes, you just have to be still and let go of the wheel.

Biking always refreshes me. It has become my refuge of sorts. It gives me time to be alone with God, to listen to Him, to pour out my heart to Him.

Today as I biked, my uphill route became more noticeable than in the past months. At one point, I wanted to get off my bike and just walk. Ironically, I've been taking the same route for years now and yet not once have I actually gotten off and walked. So I had to remind myself that a few more pedals and I would be fine.

In life, there are times of highs and lows, of struggles, of triumphs, and of letting go. We like it when we don't have to struggle much -- like biking and the path we're taking is easy. We like it even more when we are showered with blessings though we know we don't deserve it -- like biking on a downhill path and all we have to do is let go. But when life becomes a struggle, it is sometimes more convenient to give up than go on and face the uphill battle. Thankfully, we have a God who fights the battles for us. We just need to surrender all our struggles to Him. And just like in biking, all we have to do is keep on pushing the pedal of perseverance.

Let me share another favorite Words of Wisdom from the wisest man who ever lived.

A Time for Everything (Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 NIV)

¹ There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under heaven:

² a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,

³ a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,

⁴ a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,

⁵ a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain,

⁶ a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,

⁷ a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,

⁸ a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.